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How did you evaluate the Empathy Index The following is one assessment (Note that the references to Jim are in boldface and the references to Paula are underlined)
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Hi Jim: I am writing in response to yesterday s conference call in which I was embarrassed that I wasn t up-to-date in my information about the ABC Corporation deal I think it s important that we address this issue right away First, ABC said that I need to coordinate with you more effectively to save them the job of repeating conversations This was pretty humiliating to me as you and I certainly ought to be in close touch about this customer Second, I expect you to keep me up-to-date at every step along the way I expect you to do that without my having to hear updates from the customer Best, Paula
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Note that there were ve references to Jim (the reader) and thirteen references to Paula (the writer), resulting in a negative Empathy Index ( ve minus thirteen equals negative eight) Them Us Empathy Index 5 (13) 8
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Consider the writer s objective What does Paula want Jim to do Remember to express her objective as an action step What did you decide is Paula s objective Isn t it true that Paula wants Jim to cooperate, contact her with news, and include her in meetings and updates With that objective in mind, rewrite the E-mail to ensure a positive Empathy Index It s easy to be distracted from our objective by our emotions Listen to Paula s perspective The situation was embarrassing and humiliating I had no idea whether Jim was keeping me in the dark because he was try60
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ing to sabotage me or he was incompetent, but I knew I had to do something My instinct was to attack read my rst draft The Empathy Index saved me from making the situation worse by forcing me to keep my focus on what was important Rather than berate Jim, a pointless exercise, it made more sense for me to maintain a calm tone As you ll see in the upcoming chapters, there are lots of approaches to revising first drafts We ve seen that there are several ways to write well You ll see that there are several ways to revise well, too Here is Paula s revision:
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Hi Jim: Thank you for including me on yesterday s conference call After the call, it s clear that you and I need to come up with a system that ensures I m kept up-to-date on ABC business we need to coordinate more effectively How do you think you d like to handle this Would you keep me up-todate at every step along the way Let s meet tomorrow to discuss a plan of action Best, Paula
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Note that adding references to Jim forced Paula to write less emotionally always a good idea in business With the new focus on Jim and his needs, the Empathy Index became positive (Note that the references to Jim [ them ] are in boldface and the references to Paula [ us ] are underlined The word we isn t counted because it refers to both Jim and Paula Likewise, the word Let s [ie, Let us ] isn t counted for the same reason) Them Us Empathy Index 6 (5) 1
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Not only does the E-mail become more positive, it also becomes more action oriented, and as such, is much more likely to achieve Paula s objective: for Jim to include her in updates
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Business Writing for Results
YOUR SALUTATION AND LEAD SET THE TONE
How you refer to your readers signals the level of formality you intend to convey People read salutations for the clues they provide about what s to follow in both tone and content Readers depend on the lead to engage their interest If either the salutation or the lead is off-key or inappropriate, you re likely to lose your readers interest On the other hand, if the salutation and the lead are on the mark, you re likely to engage your readers interest and attention
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