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Continuing on, you could have revised the second thought expressed in the sentence as a ve-word sentence:
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Every arrangement is custom designed
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The next thought might be expressed as follows:
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All arrangements feature seasonal blossoms in an array of colors to create just the look you seek (seventeen words)
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The nal thought might become:
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Our owers will be perfect, whether the occasion is a wedding, reunion, business meeting or conference, or other event (nineteen words)
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Revise for Impact and Clarity
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Let s evaluate the total revision:
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As the leader in the silk ower industry, we create arrangements that are lush and full and always custom designed All arrangements feature seasonal blossoms in an array of colors to create just the look you seek Our owers will be perfect, whether the occasion is a wedding, reunion, business meeting or conference, or other event We guarantee that every arrangement will be custom designed to your speci cations, delivered on time, and at or below budget (Four sentences totaling seventy-six words [20 + 17 + 19 + 20 = 76] average nineteen words per sentence)
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Gloria explains, Knowing to look first for a compound sentence and then for a complicated sentence made revising much easier I like having a model that provides speci c steps No matter how you revised this example, ask yourself if you made it more concise Did you shorten sentences while preserving the author s intention Did you convey needed information Remember, when shortening sentences, use as many words as you need to make your points, but no more
TACTIC TWO: CLARITY
If your readers have to study your communications to understand your message, you re slowing them down and making them work unnecessarily hard Reader confusion often results from a lack of writer preparation However, even when you ve followed the steps outlined in this book, you might leave your readers confused because of two speci c issues: 1 misplaced or misused modi ers 2 unexplained acronyms or technical jargon Selecting and positioning modifying words and phrases correctly and defining all terminology that may be unfamiliar to your readers will help ensure clarity in your communications
Business Writing for Results
Modify Properly to Add Emphasis and Clarity
Adverbs, adjectives, and prepositional phrases are among the ways to modify words and phrases in business writing They can add important or interesting details But they can also be confusing Adverbs May Weaken Verbs Instead of adding words and phrases that modify verbs, it s often better to select the most exact verb Choosing an on-target verb adds impact to the sentence and may eliminate an unneeded adverb In the following examples, note the effectiveness of choosing the precise verb
The committee carefully considered the proposed reorganization The committee deliberated the proposed reorganization
The word deliberated means carefully considered
The negotiations quickly fell apart when the partner said no The negotiations collapsed when the partner said no
Note that collapsed means quickly fell apart When you choose the most action-oriented verbs possible, you can usually avoid adding unnecessary adverbs Adjectives May Diminish the Impact of Your Nouns Likewise, adjectives often diminish the power of the nouns they modify Sometimes the modifying words or phrases distract the reader by adding unnecessary information For example, which of these two sentences is stronger
The hotel s computerized re alarm system will be tested on Tuesday The hotel s re alarm system will be tested on Tuesday
The fact that the system is computerized may be relevant in some contexts (in an application to win an insurance reduction because of
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updated equipment, for instance), but to employees or guests it s probably irrelevant It may also be confusing What has the fact that it s computerized got to do with the fact that it will be tested on Tuesday It s more concise to eliminate it Sometimes the adjective is redundant, as in this example:
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