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Did you make signi cant changes Brad did He said, I made every one of those errors and I spotted some other mistakes I d made, too I realized I had some sentence fragments, for example, that I hadn t noticed until I focused on the sentences The rst thing Brad did was calculate his average sentence length He counted 272 words and eighteen sentences, equaling an average sentence length of fteen words Except, Brad explained, that that included those sentence fragments I decided I needed to rewrite the text so there were no fragments rst, and then recalculate my average sentence length While I was doing that, remembering that shorter sentences are always better than longer ones, I tried to tighten up all the sentences In doing so, I deleted a lot of verbiage Here s Brad s revision:
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Bottom line: Of the three site options, the best choice is Georgia My analysis used proprietary stochastic simulation techniques Incorporating data collected from over one hundred sources, from the government and other public sources to interviews, the design of the model required creativity and diligence To get a fresh view, one of my assistants met with a risk manager with no knowledge of the risks involved in doing business in either Florida or Georgia All data is tested and proven by fact checkers Here are answers to three key questions Q: What data did you collect A: I collected over ve hundred separate facts from various data sources Q: Why is Georgia a better choice than Florida or Illinois A: Georgia is a better choice because of my overall analysis; speci cally, the very low exposure in areas including weather, transport and available labor make it more attractive Also, it offers the most positive labor climate of the three alternatives Q: What s the most compelling bene t of choosing Georgia A: Diversi cation We are vulnerable to weather or labor unrest or zoning or taxation problems in Florida If these problems occur in Florida, and we have more than one factory there, it is easy to no doubt see the problem Both factories are effected, not just one factory It s easy
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to understand why some of us lean toward selecting Florida but we should use objective, not subjective, criteria to make the decision If we do that, we must conclude that the site with the highest pro t potential at the lowest risk is Georgia
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Brad found himself correcting several grammatical errors at the same time that he worked to shorten sentences Brad s latest version dropped from 272 words to 249 words, a reduction of more than 8 percent There are eighteen sentences If you divide 272 words by eighteen sentences, you get an average sentence length of a little over fteen words Brad said, That s great How about your draft What s your average sentence length If it s longer than twenty words, did you rewrite to lower your average
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EXERCISE 37: Make It Clear The next task is to look for misplaced modi ers and unde ned jargon or technical terminology Did you nd any If so, correct them Brad said, Rereading the sentence about getting a fresh view, I realized that there was a misplaced modi er Of course the risk manager knew about doing business in Florida and Georgia; it was my assistant who lacked knowledge I revised the sentence to read: To get a fresh view, one of my assistants with no knowledge of the risks involved in doing business in either Florida or Georgia met with a risk manager Also, I realized that saying that the data is tested and proven by fact checkers was inaccurate What they were doing was verifying the accuracy of the data, not testing it or proving it Finally, I realized that the term stochastic simulation, while accurate, is technical I had decided to leave the term in because it was precise I still thought that was the right decision I thought it was important that the committee know the depth of analysis I performed I had already decided to add an attachment showcasing the stochastic simulation; now I decided to add another page explaining how it works Brad amended the sentence in question as follows:
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My analysis used proprietary stochastic simulation techniques (see attached)
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